Life Cycles - Death and Dying

III - Bereavement & Mourning

Mourners should respect the following traditions:

1. Cover all mirrors
2. Refrain from wearing cosmetics and perfumes, from shaving, from having one's hair cut or one's nails manicured, and from buying new clothes. It is customary to bathe only for purposes of cleanliness during this time, and not for pleasure.
3. Refrain from wearing leather shoes, since leather is considered a sign of luxury.
4. Refrain from all sources of entertainment and from participation in festive occasions.
5. Refrain from engaging in conjugal relations.
6. Sit on low stools or cushions, as a sign of mourning. (It is from this custom that the phrase "sit Shiva" comes.)

Visitor Conduct at the Shiva Residence

Jewish tradition regards the comforting of mourners as a mitzvah* (religious commandment) and an especially meritorious act. The mourner will require and appreciate comfort throughout the entire Shiva period.

Visitors may bring food to the residence so that the mourners will not have to be bothered with preparing meals during Shiva. It is not appropriate to send flowers or bring candy. It is most appropriate to make a contribution to the deceased's favorite charity, or to the Congregation in memory of the deceased.

Greetings are permitted, but should be subdued. It is often best to allow the mourner to open the conversation. Speaking of the deceased, and especially sharing significant memories, is most appropriate. In order to avoid a festive atmosphere, visitors should try to avoid crowding the Shiva residence. The best visit is usually a brief one, in which the visitor speaks with the mourners and leaves shortly thereafter.

Sheloshim*

The Sheloshim period begins immediately after the burial and concludes on the morning of the 30th day following the burial. After Shiva is completed, mourning practices become less intense, and the mourner begins to return to most normal activities. It is customary for mourners to refrain from taking part in large social gatherings throughout Sheloshim; during this period they should not attend festive celebrations, and they are obliged to continue reciting Kaddish. Except for those who are mourning a deceased parent, the end of Sheloshim marks the end of the mourning period.

The First Year

The mourning period for a deceased parent continues for 10 months following Sheloshim. During this time the mourners continue to refrain from large social gatherings, and the obligation to recite Kaddish continues.

Yahrzeit* (Anniversary of a Death)

Yahrzeit is a Yiddish word meaning "year's time." Each year the deceased is remembered on the anniversary of the death according to the Jewish calendar. Yahrzeit observances include: lighting a special Yahrzeit candle which burns for the entire 24-hour period, attending Shabbat services on the Shabbat weekend preceding Yahrzeit, attending daily services on the Yahrzeit date in order to recite Kaddish in the presence of a minyan, visiting the grave, and contributing Tzedakah* (charitable donation) in memory of the loved one.

Congregation Beth Torah Services

Contact the Synagogue for a time schedule and location of daily services where Kaddish may be recited. Regular Shabbat services at Congregation Beth Torah begin at 8:15 P.M. on Fridays and 9:30 A.M. on Saturdays, and at 6:45 A.M. on Monday mornings.

Memorial Gifts

As noted earlier in this section, it is most appropriate to honor the memory of the deceased by making a contribution to that person's favorite charity or to the Congregation. The memory of a loved one may also be honored through the purchase of a plaque to be placed on our Memorial Board located in the Synagogue Sanctuary. For more information on the purchase of a plaque, please contact the Synagogue Office or the Chairman of the Cemetery Committee.