Life Cycles - Death
Congregation Beth Torah's Guide to Burial and Mourning Practices and Traditions
Table of Contents
- AN INTRODUCTION
- DEATH AND BURIAL
- When a Death Occurs in Your Family
- Casket Selection
- Burial
- Preparation of the Body
- Shemirah*
- Viewing
- Autopsies
- Organ Donations
- BEREAVEMENT AND MOURNING
- Bereavement
- Kaddish*
- Mourners
- Keriah*
- Shiva*
- Returning from the Cemetery
- Meal of Condolence
- Mourners' Responsibilities
- Visitor Conduct at the Shiva Residence
- Sheloshim*
- The First Year
- Yahrzeit*
- Congregation Beth Torah Services
- Memorial Gifts
- CONGREGATION BETH TORAH CEMETERY
- Cemetery Locations
- Who May Buy Plots in the Beth Torah Cemeteries
- Who May Be Buried in the Beth Torah Cemetery
- Grave Markers
- Unveiling Service
- Pre-Need Arrangements
- Rules and Regulations Affecting Burial Sites
- A GLOSSARY OF TERMS
- Asterisked (*) Words Explained
- Literary References and Acknowledgements
-
AN INTRODUCTION
-
DEATH AND BURIAL
-
BEREAVEMENT AND MOURNING
-
CONGREGATION BETH TORAH CEMETERY
-
A GLOSSARY OF TERMS
" 'What person shall live and not see death?' (Ps. 89:49)
The Psalmist reflects the understanding that death is part of the fate of every
human being, the fate of each of us. We should never try to deny death. It is
futile to attempt to hide from death, and it is damaging to seek refuge in the
various bizarre, dehumanizing, irrational and escapist trappings..."
Rabbi Jules Harlow
(The Bond of Life)
The Jewish way in life has been referred to as "The Way of Confrontation." Jews neither partake of life's gifts in a limitless fashion, nor do Jews totally
abstain from any of them. When Jews partake and recognize God's
blessings, Jews sanctify that moment.
The Jewish way in death is also "The Way of Confrontation." Jews find
no meaning in worshipping the dead, but sense no healing in the absence of grief. When Jews face death in a realistic manner, God grants the strength to eventually overcome the loss.
Jewish tradition teaches that the deceased should be treated with utmost respect. To participate in the burial process is to perform a Chesed Shel-Emet*,
an act of true kindness which the deceased can never repay. Burial preparations
and the mourning practices also encourage loved ones to confront their loss.
This booklet outlines the Jewish way in death and mourning. The ultimate
goal of Jewish burial and bereavement practices is to aid in the reparative process
of mourning. An important means to that end is to treat the dead with the utmost respect, referred to as Kevod Hamet*. We hope you will understand the practices outlined in this booklet in that context. If at any time you have a question or
require clarification, please contact the Rabbi or a member of the Beth Torah Cemetery Committee.
When A Death Occurs In Your Family
When a death occurs in a hospital, you will be asked to sign a release
so that the body of the deceased may be removed to a funeral home. Currently, Beth Torah is working with:
Dallas Jewish Funerals, 1611 N. Central Expressway, Plano, TX, 75075
(972-424-1144)
North Dallas Funeral Home, 2710 Valley View Lane, Farmers Branch, TX
(972-484-1903),
Restland Funeral Home Greenville Ave. and Restland Road, Dallas, TX
(972-238-7111),
Sparkman Hillcrest Funeral Home, 7405 W. Northwest Highway, Dallas, TX
(214-363-5401).
Please request that the body be sent to the facility of your choice.
If the death occurs at home, immediately contact the deceased's physician and notify the local Police Department. The funeral home of your choice must also be contacted to arrange for transfer of the body to that funeral home.
In both cases the funeral home should be advised in this initial contact that you are a member of Congregation Beth Torah, that traditional Jewish funeral and burial practices are to be observed and the deceased is not to be embalmed.
No matter where a death occurs, you will receive immediate assistance when you contact the Rabbi and/or the Co-Chairpersons of the Cemetery Committee. These names and telephone numbers are found in the synagogue directory. You may contact them at any time of the day or night. During Synagogue office hours, you may contact the Beth Torah secretary.
The family will need to make decisions on the following issues:
1. Whether you want a chapel or a graveside service -
A chapel service is always followed by a brief graveside service.
2. Selection of a gravesite -
If the family owns plots in the Beth Torah Cemetery, inform the Committee Chairman. If not, the Chairman will assist in the selection and purchase of a gravesite.
3. Selection of six pallbearers -
Pallbearers are required for the chapel service, and to carry the casket from the hearse to the gravesite. Pallbearers must be Jewish, and sufficiently healthy and strong to carry the heavy casket. Other individuals may be mentioned as "honorary pallbearers." The pallbearers are required to be present one-half hour before the scheduled start of the funeral service.
4. Make an appointment with the funeral home -
It will be necessary to make personal contact with the funeral home. Telephone to make an appointment to go there in person. If you wish, a member of the Cemetery Committee will accompany you. You will need to assemble certain information about the deceased (Social Security number, veteran information, date of birth, etc.) plus certain personal items belonging to the deceased (tallit, kipah) and take them with you. Bring a checkbook or credit card with you.
You should be prepared to discuss the following with the funeral director:
1. Personal transportation arrangements for the family
2. Selection of a kosher casket
3. Information for newspaper notices of the death
4. Information for the official death certificate
5. Payment arrangements for services performed by the funeral home
6. Payment for the Shomer* watching the body
The Cemetery Committee is responsible for:
1. Confirming the arrangement with the funeral home for the Shomer* (guard) who will sit with the body at all times through burial and the filling of the grave
2. Arranging for the Chevra Kaddisha* (Burial Society) to prepare the body for burial
3. Confirming the correct burial place with the cemetery
4. Coordinating funeral arrangements between the Rabbi, the funeral home and the family – Date and time of the funeral must be confirmed with the Rabbi before publicizing the funeral
As a sign of respect for the deceased, Jewish burial practice encourages the body's return to its natural state..."for from dust were you taken...and to dust you shall return" (Gen. 3:19).
The deceased must be buried in a casket made entirely of wood. Although a plain pine box is recommended by Jewish tradition, the funeral homes offer a variety of acceptable kosher caskets.
A member or veteran of any branch of the U.S. Armed Services may have a United States flag draped over the casket. This flag is arranged for by the funeral home.
No airtight vaults may be used. Standard concrete grave liners are used in Beth Torah's cemeteries, as per Cemetery guidelines.
Burial
The funeral should take place as soon as possible after the death, preferably within 24 hours. Burials in Beth Torah's cemeteries do not take place on the Sabbath, Jewish or American legal holidays. The burial shall be conducted in accordance with Conservative Halacha* (Law) as interpreted by Congregation Beth Torah through its Rabbi.
Preparation of the Body
All clothing and jewelry will be removed from the body prior to ritual preparation, and it will be held in safekeeping for the family of the deceased. The Beth Torah Chevra Kaddisha* will prepare the body for burial. The deceased will be washed in a manner prescribed by Jewish tradition (referred to as Tahara*) and dressed in the Tachrichim*, the linen shroud. Men, (and women, if requested), are then wrapped in a tallit and a kipah is placed on the head.
Shemirah
As another sign of respect, a person will sit with the deceased until burial is completed. This person is known as the Shomer*. The funeral home will make arrangements for the Shomer, and the family will be billed through the funeral home.
Viewing
Jewish Law prohibits public display of the deceased. Open casket funerals are not permitted. The immediate family is permitted a private viewing if requested.
Autopsies
Routine autopsies are not permitted because they violate the principal of Kevod Hamet*. An autopsy is permitted when medical professionals deem that it will help others who suffer from the same condition(s) as the deceased. It is also permitted when the law requires it in order to determine cause of death. The Dallas County Medical Examiner and Collin County Justice of the Peace are sensitive to the needs of Jewish families and cooperate with their desires when they are able to do so. In general, you should consult the Rabbi before allowing an autopsy to take place.
Organ Donations
Because of the emphasis which Jewish tradition places on Pikuach Nefesh* (saving a life) and the general desire to bring healing to the living, organ donations are permissible.
Bereavement
Jewish tradition recognizes that immediately following a death, the bereaved often enters an initial period of shock. Our sages tell us, "Do not comfort a person when his dead lie before him" (Pirkei Avot 4:18). The bereaved should be left alone to the extent that he or she desires, and must be freed of all responsibilities - religious and otherwise - in order to attend to the funeral arrangements. Recitation of the Kaddish* does not begin until the burial.
Kaddish*
This prayer contains no reference to death and, in origin, was not associated with death. Historically, the Kaddish was recited upon the completion of a period of study, when students would declare "Magnified and sanctified be God's great name" in recognition of the opportunity to study, and in thanks for it. When a teacher died, his students would honor him by studying his works and then reciting Kaddish. This was the prayer's first association with death.
Today, Kaddish has become a prayer of affirmation. Despite the painful blow which the mourner has been dealt, belief in God is affirmed. Our sages required that Kaddish be recited in the presence of a Minyan* (group of 10 adult Jews) in order to emphasize the supportive role of the community. As the community shares in the loss, so too must it help provide consolation to the mourner.
Mourners
According to Jewish Law, the following are obligated to mourn: Son, Daughter, Father, Mother, Husband, Brother, Half-Brother, Wife, Sister, and Half-Sister of the deceased. Girls under the age of 12 and boys under the age of 13 are exempted from mourning.
Keriah* (Rending of Clothing)
Keriah is a traditional sign of mourning. Beth Torah's practices allow for the wearing of a Keriah button as a substitute for the traditional rending of garments. The small black Keriah button carries an attached black cloth tail, which is cut as a substitute for tearing of actual clothes. Keriah buttons are provided by the funeral home, and are worn during the period of Sheloshim - for 30 days.
The Keriah service takes place just before the start of the funeral service. At this time the mourners recite a benediction in which they say "Baruch Dayan Ha'emet," an acknowledgement that God is the True Judge. Then the Keriah buttons are pinned in place. Sons and daughters of the deceased wear their buttons on the left side of the body, above the heart. All other mourners wear the button at the same height on the right side of the body.
Shiva*
This seven-day period, which commences immediately after burial, is the most intensive time of mourning. It concludes on the morning of the seventh day after the burial. Mourners do not "sit Shiva" on the Sabbath, and are encouraged to come to the synagogue to recite Kaddish.
All public mourning practices resume following Shabbat. The Shiva period ends early when any Jewish Festival (except Chanukah or Purim) begins within seven days of the burial.
Returning from the Cemetery
The mourners, as well as all others who have been at the cemetery, wash their hands before entering the Shiva residence (house of mourning) to symbolize separation of death from life. A water supply and towels on the porch or at the front doorway of the Shiva residence should be provided for this purpose.
Because light is a symbol of the soul, a Shiva candle is lit in the House of Mourning upon return from the burial, and is burned continuously for seven days. The Funeral home will furnish this special candle, which should be set in a prominent place in the home.
Meal of Condolence
The first meal that the mourners eat after returning from the cemetery is prepared by friends and relatives, and marks the beginning of the Shiva period. This meal should include hard-boiled eggs, for eggs symbolically represent both life and hope. Neither wine nor meat should be served because these foods symbolize the celebration of well-being.
Mourners’ Responsibilities
The discoveries of modern psychiatry remind us once again of the intuitive wisdom our ancient teachers of Judaism so often had concerning human nature and its needs. They recognized centuries ago how essential it is to express grief rather than repress it; how important it is to talk about one's loss with friends and relatives; and how imperative it is for mourners to move step by step from the inactivity that follows bereavement back to normal activity.
During the Shiva period, mourners have the obligation to recite Kaddish.
They may request that an evening Minyan Service be held at the Shiva residence;
if so, the Ritual Committee will aid in assuring the presence of a Minyan and will provide a prayer leader, prayer books and kipot*.
The front door of the House of Mourning should be left unlocked so that visitors may enter without ringing the doorbell. A sign may be posted on the door asking visitors not to ring the bell.
It is not proper for mourners to serve guests during the Shiva, or to partake in festive meals. In general, mourners refrain from normal daily activities such as going to work or school, and do not attend to matters of personal business. If the mourner must work for financial reasons, a return to work is permitted after the second day of Shiva.
Mourners give visible expression to their feelings of grief by interrupting certain activities and taking part in a variety of others. Through these traditional ways of mourning, the bereaved exhibits a temporary lack of self-concern, as the loss of the loved one is considered paramount.
Mourners should respect the following traditions:
1. Cover all mirrors
2. Refrain from wearing cosmetics and perfumes, from shaving, from having one's hair cut or one's nails manicured, and from buying new clothes. It is customary to bathe only for purposes of cleanliness during this time, and not for pleasure.
3. Refrain from wearing leather shoes, since leather is considered a sign of luxury.
4. Refrain from all sources of entertainment and from participation in festive occasions.
5. Refrain from engaging in conjugal relations.
6. Sit on low stools or cushions, as a sign of mourning. (It is from this custom that the phrase "sit Shiva" comes.)
Visitor Conduct at the Shiva Residence
Jewish tradition regards the comforting of mourners as a mitzvah* (religious commandment) and an especially meritorious act. The mourner will require and appreciate comfort throughout the entire Shiva period.
Visitors may bring food to the residence so that the mourners will not have to be bothered with preparing meals during Shiva. It is not appropriate to send flowers or bring candy. It is most appropriate to make a contribution to the deceased's favorite charity, or to the Congregation in memory of the deceased.
Greetings are permitted, but should be subdued. It is often best to allow the mourner to open the conversation. Speaking of the deceased, and especially sharing significant memories, is most appropriate. In order to avoid a festive atmosphere, visitors should try to avoid crowding the Shiva residence. The best visit is usually a brief one, in which the visitor speaks with the mourners and leaves shortly thereafter.
Sheloshim*
The Sheloshim period begins immediately after the burial and concludes on the morning of the 30th day following the burial. After Shiva is completed, mourning practices become less intense, and the mourner begins to return to most normal activities. It is customary for mourners to refrain from taking part in large social gatherings throughout Sheloshim; during this period they should not attend festive celebrations, and they are obliged to continue reciting Kaddish. Except for those who are mourning a deceased parent, the end of Sheloshim marks the end of the mourning period.
The First Year
The mourning period for a deceased parent continues for 10 months following Sheloshim. During this time the mourners continue to refrain from large social gatherings, and the obligation to recite Kaddish continues.
Yahrzeit* (Anniversary of a Death)
Yahrzeit is a Yiddish word meaning "year's time." Each year the deceased is remembered on the anniversary of the death according to the Jewish calendar. Yahrzeit observances include: lighting a special Yahrzeit candle which burns for the entire 24-hour period, attending Shabbat services on the Shabbat weekend preceding Yahrzeit, attending daily services on the Yahrzeit date in order to recite Kaddish in the presence of a minyan, visiting the grave, and contributing Tzedakah* (charitable donation) in memory of the loved one.
Congregation Beth Torah Services
Shabbat services at Congregation Beth Torah begin at 6:30 P.M. on Fridays (please check with synagogue to confirm time of Friday night service), 9:30 A.M. on Saturdays, 8:30 A.M. on Sunday and at 6:45 A.M. on Monday mornings. Contact the Synagogue to verify the schedule and location of daily services where Kaddish may be recited.
Memorial Gifts
As noted earlier in this section, it is most appropriate to honor the memory of the deceased by making a contribution to that person's favorite charity or to the Congregation. The memory of a loved one may also be honored through the purchase of a plaque to be placed on our Memorial Board located in the Synagogue Sanctuary. For more information on the purchase of a plaque, please contact the Synagogue Office or the Chairman of the Cemetery Committee.
Cemetery Locations
Beth Torah has two cemetery facilities; one at Hillcrest Memorial Park on Northwest Highway between Hillcrest and Boedecker, and the other at Restland Cemetery, west of Greenville Ave., just north of I-635 (LBJ Freeway).
The Hillcrest facility is at the far northwest corner of the park and can be accessed from Northwest Highway or from a driveway just north of Temple Emanuel on Hillcrest Road. The Restland facility is part of the United Jewish Cemetery at Restland, located on the south side of Restland Road. A road directly across Restland Road from the funeral home leads to our cemetery.
Who May Buy Plots in the Beth Torah Cemeteries
The only persons eligible to buy plots in either Beth Torah Cemetery are current members of the synagogue, their parents or their children. The purchase price of a plot in our cemeteries includes perpetual care.
Currently, sales of burial plots at the Hillcrest facility are limited to Beth Torah members who have family members buried there or who already own plots. Plots at Restland are available to all Beth Torah members, including spaces in the Mt. Sinai section of the United Jewish Cemetery available for our mixed faith families.
Who May Be Buried in the Beth Torah Cemetery
The only persons who may be buried in the Congregation Beth Torah Cemetery are those who are Jewish.
Jewish Law defines a Jewish person as:
1. One who is born of a Jewish mother
or
2. One who is converted to Judaism.
Grave Markers
It is customary to have a marker placed at he head of the grave during the period from 30 days to one year after burial. At the Hillcrest facility, in accordance with our contract with the cemetery, all markers are flat, flush with the ground and made of granite. Single markers, embracing one grave only, are typically 12“ x 24“ x 4“. Companion markers, embracing two graves are typically 13“ x 44“ x 4“.
Our arrangements with Restland allow greater latitude in the type of markers used. Raised, upright monuments marking one or more gravesites, as well as family groupings, are acceptable. Sizes and designs are regulated by the policies of the United Jewish Cemetery at Restland. This information is available on request through the Beth Torah Cemetery Committee.
You may contact the cemetery committee for information on our approved grave marker suppliers. Regardless of where you purchase them, the markers are installed by either Hillcrest Memorial Park or Restland, and there is a fee for this service.
Inscriptions and designs on markers shall be in accordance with accepted Jewish tradition. In former times, a tombstone inscription might be an elaborate tribute to the virtues of the grave's occupant. Now, however, simplicity is preferred. Contemporary inscriptions usually include the Hebrew name of the deceased (including the parents' names) and the date of death according to the Jewish calendar. In spite of the objections of some authorities, it is almost universally accepted practice today to include the deceased's name in the vernacular (e.g. English) and the secular date of death as well.
A Levite's tombstone often has a ewer (vase-shaped pitcher) carved over the inscriptions, as a symbol of function in the ancient Temple. The tombstones of Kohanim are marked by a carving of hands raised in the Priestly Benediction.
The Veterans Administration provides a marker for all personnel honorably discharged from service in the U.S. Armed Forces.
Unveiling Service
In Western European countries and in the United States, it has become the custom to "consecrate" tombstones with a special service. In the United States,
the stone is usually covered with a cloth, which is removed by the family during the service. This ritual has been called "Unveiling". If an Unveiling is desired, any time after the Sheloshim period ends is acceptable, but approximately one year after the burial is most common. Those wishing to schedule an Unveiling should consult the Rabbi.
Pre-Need Arrangements
Because the death of a loved one is always stressful, and the emotions it evokes are difficult for survivors to deal with, decisions made in advance are always helpful. Please contact the Cemetery Committee Chairman for additional information about these pre-need plans.
Rules and Regulations Affecting Burial Sites
Beth Torah‘s Cemetery facilities are operated in accordance with Halacha* (Jewish Law) with respect to all ritual matters. For all issues other than ritual, policy is determined by Congregation Beth Torah, in accordance with the rules and regulations, present and future, as established by both Congregation Beth Torah, Hillcrest Memorial Park and Restland Cemetery.
Cemetery visiting hours are from 8:00 A.M to 5:00, 7 days a week, at both cemeteries, although access to either facility is normally available until dusk during the summer. Children must be accompanied by an adult. Pets are allowed, but must be leashed at all times. Private plantings are not allowed at any gravesite, and according to Jewish tradition, flowers are discouraged as well.
Owners of burial plots in our cemetery may not offer them for public or private sale. By contractual agreement, unused plots may only be disposed of by transferring them back to Beth Torah.
If it is determined that a plot has been abandoned, Congregation Beth Torah shall institute steps to transfer its ownership back to the Synagogue.
Chesed Shel-Emet, act of "true kindness." Helping to bury the dead is a kindness that can never be repaid, and falls in this category.
Chevra Kaddisha, the Holy Society that prepares a body for burial, and performs the rite of Tahara.
Halacha, Jewish Law, "The Way."
Kaddish, prayer of divine affirmation, recited by mourners.
Keriah, rending of the garment worn by the mourner.
Kevod Hamet, respect for the dead. Treating the dead with utmost respect is basic to the entire Jewish approach to burial practice.
Kipah, skull cap. (Plural: Kipot).
Minyan, required number (10) of Jewish adults who must be present for recitation of the Kaddish.
Mitzvah, commandment; an act of loving-kindness.
Pikuach Nefesh, "Saving a life"; a special Mitzvah which takes precedence above others.
Sheloshim, the 30-day period of mourning that begins immediately after interment.
Shemirah, "Guard duty." Because of respect for the deceased, the body is never left alone from death through interment.
Shiva, the seven-day period of intense mourning that begins after interment. The first seven days of Sheloshim.
Shomer, the person who sits with the deceased through burial.
Tachrichim, burial garments.
Tahara, the ritual cleansing of the body of the deceased.
Tzedakah, an act of righteousness; a charitable contribution.
Yahrzeit, Jewish calendar anniversary of a death.
Yizkor, memorial service at which special prayers are recited on Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret, Pesach (8th day), and Shavuot (2nd day).
References:
The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning by Maurice Lamm
A Guide to Jewish Religious Practice by Isaac Klein
NOTE:
With guidance from our rabbinic staff, this booklet was written in 1988 by Ed Forest, Dave Gerstein, Harriet Gross, Carole Wolanow, Happy & Norm Kramer and Jo & Jerry Zeffren. Bob & Elaine Scharf formatted it on the computer, and the first printing was done by Leo Harris of Rabbit Reproductions. It was updated in August, 2001 and reformatted in April of 2002 by Susan Shapiro, and updated again in 2008.